clean start

That's it. I think, I hope I'm coming to terms with the world. Wow, almost on my 21st year of life I start to open my eyes. Oh wow. I have talked to Anton, lol, that didn't go too well. Once again I've been told how terrible of a person I was and how everything is my fault. Have anyone told you straight to your face that they know their faults and that they're not about to change who they are. However, they're not alright with being treated the way you treat them and the only way it'll be possible to be friends is you having to change a number of things in yourself as they deem it appropriate. Oh wait, they expect you to be the real you at the same time!

Flippin' awesome!

I don't know, I'm lost. This has never happened to me before. It's really odd and I am completely lost. I really don't know what to do and it is bothering me. On one hand I don't like losing friends and on the other hand I don't feel like starting the chase again.

There's just something odd. I really don't think this friendship will ever work. No. I know it won't work. Because me is me and I cannot bring myself to changing anything within me.

I think I'll just drop this whole thing and be as I am. As I was. And this is how I will be. Otherwise I'll get complaints that I'm fake again. This is not how I lose friends. This is how I find out who my friends really are. So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

> I don't call people unless I'm bored. And I mean really bored. This includes nobody calling me :)
> I am sarcastic to the bone. I think if my bones could talk they'd be sarcastic too.
> I am a nice person. If I'm acting like a bitch - something is bothering me. And it's probably you, otherwise I wouldn't act like a bitch to you.
> I am a shy person and a lot of times a very blind to things. I tend to interpret them in the wrong way and act upon my assumptions and interpretations accordingly. Never ends well unless you tell me I'm being idiotic. Don't worry, I'm not going to be very surprised :p
> I take in and hold in a lot more than I let come out. Emotion wise, that is. I am sneaky when it comes to upsetting me so watch your back. Because I will "secretly get pissed off at you and will never tell you, so you go figure" LoL But I'll try changing that, it makes a little less sense than it doesn't.

These are very simple facts about Alex aka me. I am willing to deal with your flaws so deal with mine - usually I won't call you anyways so you don't have to deal with it a whole lot ^_^

Other than that, I love you word, happy holidays and get drunk, screwed, hammered and such. Bestest wishes - I'm coming clean.

In the middle of the mess - literal and not realy

I'm going to San-Francisco for a week! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! I'm really not excited. My exams finished less than a week ago (Monday) and I still can't get used to it. No, it doesn't feel odd, on the contrary it doesn't feel like anything at all! But either way I'm getting away from this country and leaving there all my troubles, worries, problems and troublesome people!

Another thing is that this year is coming to an end and I'm gonna have to sum it up sometime soon. Either way I have to admit that this was the shittiest year of my life despite its obvious positive peaks where I hoped things won't get worse. They did.

But now that I finished plucking my legs I need to pack and focus my mind on the fact that tomorrow by roughly 3-4 pm I will be flying! Yes, FLYING because I'm off to see merry California!

Morning Rise

Inspired my friend Maddi I decided to post a view from the balcony of the apartment I live in. I live on 3rd floor but on my side of the house we also have a basement so technically I live on the 4th floor. Yup, ladies and gentlemen, this is the view in early November of 2006. Unfortunately Global Warming is making a point this year by not allowing the weather to snow. We had 3 days of real winter and that was it. It's nice and sunny right now outside, crows are shouting at each other and some roofs have rainwater gathered and now wavy under the wind.

On the other note, I woke up half an hour early to only discover that our review session starts at 10:30am not 10am as I originally anticipated. Oh well, darn. This way I have the time to make a short post before leaving for the whole day of Set and Graph Theories, counting, drawing graphs and trying to colour them. I really want to get an over-80% average to get that scholarship. I've never heard about $2K being useless money!

P.S.
Speaking of great views, this is kind of what I saw when I woke up to sounds of "Ocean of El'zy" and opened my eyes today and looked out of the window (which is right beside me - big and directed to a great view). Google unfortunately didn't have anything similar to the view I was falling asleep - deep dark blue sky with a single star shining ever-so brightly.

Fragile mind

Ah, I think I'm turning more and more into Artem. Nono, it's good, really. He's a nice kid and I really do look up to him. Anyways, I've been aimlessly wandering around deviantART and found some pretty crazy things! The image above is from AK3D and there's more where this one came from!

The Torture by Final Examination continues in the mean time. Although I really shouldn't complain - I got a very nice day off today. Woke up at 1:30 pm, made breakfast, talked to my best friend, Moe came over and we attempted to study. That didn't work out so he left around 5 pm after talking about most random things - university, cars, driving, even MATH 239 itself! Well, the review is at 10 am tomorrow so I better be there. Damn you, Artem, for telling me that our marks are available online! I'm so mad, even if Artem just tell me where can I find our marks, I'd still be too lazy to calculate mine - but noooo, he just had to help me and make it quick and easy :( Now I know that I'm going into the exam with a 69.7% and only need 30% to pass this course (50%). But unfortunately being an engineer-in-the-makes and all, if you get under 40% on your final exam - that will be the mark you get in the course so realistically speaking I need 40% on the final exam to get out of this course alive and breathing. Yup, ladies and gentlemen, even breathing!

So I need to pull up my sleeves, tighten up the belt and pull an incredible study session tomorrow - as much as that's possible given that I'll be studying with Moe again. Hopefully my wishful thinking will turn at least partially into reality and I'll manage to get over 80% overall. *sigh* On this depressing note, I bid you good night my fellow reader.

New Year

The fate of software in year 2007.

Kiev

I want to go back. God only knows how much I want to go back. I don't really know why but I really want to go back.

To be honest, nothing is pulling me back. No that long-lost love for that country. Just a nice feeling that even if you live here in Canada and now associate yourself with this great country, part of you is still foreign. It's kinda weird, I have to admit.

But I read my friend's posts about the city I was born and spent my first 14 years of life in. I really do think that Ukraine is a great country. We have our own traditions, culture, language. Not like Canada where everyone is foreign. There aren't that many traditions, culture is really a some sort of mixture of everything and nothing. Even the language is probably one of the most simple languages in the world (primitive?).

But Ukraine! My beautiful, tormented Ukraine! Oh, how I long to embrace my long forgotten land! How do I wish to inhale the feelings and greedily consume your beauty with my gaze. Oh how I long to speak to my relatives and old friends - those so foreign but yet so familiar and loved.

I long for that feeling, the feeling you get when you see familiar faces and places, almost as if from a long forgotten dream from a long time ago. I wish to see those the image of whom slipped away from my mind however my heart still carries the love for. Oh how I long for the warm feeling of seeing familiar structures and wondering whether they were always this low, old and dirty while my mind is slowly removing the flaws, filling them with happy memories from my past.

God only knows how I wish for this. And I will do anything to have these feelings!

It has begun

It is finally here. The dreaded period in any university student's (and alike) life. The final exams has begun.

I must admit I never look forward to final exams. However a part of me always yearns for this time, almost tasting the blissful times, however short, when school is done and you have nothing to worry about anymore.

This Friday was also special in a few other ways. Aside of being a glorious day of the beginning of final examinations, this Friday marked the end of ECE 126 course, the tortures it brought to my sleep deprived mind and never a Friday symbolized so much final effort, that last strike of willpower and emotional fortitude, that this Friday represents.

Unfortunately, I was unable to bring myself up to speed with regards to my marks and where do I stand academically and everyone will just have to hold on to their insults until I'm actually done with my exams and will receive my final marks; however, this allows me to keep a clear mind and actually learn instead of calculating how much I need to know for a particular subject to get a particular mark. I know it sounds sad that I only learn two days before the course is actually over, but hey, if it keeps me in the program, I'm up for that!

Well, as we all know, time is money and money pays for university. Thus I bid you farewell, my dear reader and I am off to learn some statistics!

It has finally begun and as they say, "Let's get this party started!"

Pity

Damn it! Today was supposed to be the "healthy eating" day since I ate so much freakin' chocolate on Saturday! And now look at me! What is Alex doing? She having a Korean Chocolate Pie with Marshmallow Cream and chasing it with (a rather goooood) juice ^_______^ I'm such a junkie!

On the other note, it seems that people under a wrong assumption that I don't have friends outside of my little housemates circle. Yes, it's true that I don't spend that much time with anyone else in the university except these guys that I live with but still I have lots of friends except these guys!

Here's what happened (pasted from MSN conversation):

oh, lol, well you see according to Maria I'm wrong to think that since the guys hang out with me from time to time that they don't mind me n' stuff

really, they hang out with me because they feel sorry for me that nobody else will otherwise

you see, it so happens that EVERYONE has a problem with me but they still hang out with me out of their own kindness of heart

fuckkards :(

LOL

I know

at first I was REALLY upset... to hear that said into my face...

pfft... *mocking* "So do you get the hint NOW?"

I'm confused

well, basically she just said that I need to get the hint and leave them all alone

which is what I did starting today

wonder where all this came from...

although it is impressive how long they were able to keep it from you if it's true

which makes me wonder if it actually is

people are liars...but I doubt they're that good

and I doubt Jin was

but what appalled me the most of that they are so friendly because they PITY me!

even if the rest of them were

I was shocked because I really can't see Jin having a problem with me but continue being so nice to me and going out of his ways sometimes too

a bunch of very sad people if they need to pity someone to feel better about themselves though

thats the equivelant of dogs in psychologists' perspectives

lol

well, me and her started talking - she wants me to get laid :S

it's true - it's the lowest form of self-satisfaction

so we kinda wandered off to how I need friends and I need to get out more

borderline pathetic

lol

and then I'm like, well, i've got my friends

and she's like, not you don't (basically)

then she goes on to stuff between me and anton

what's with this obsession about getting laid??:S

and I'm like, hey, i 'aint appoligizing to that bitch

(I know! she's so horny she's trying to spread it all on me! :S)

and then she's like, why not, you're making it harder for everyone else!

I'm like, how? everyone didn't say A WORD about it to me (or anton, I'm sure) so everyone seems to be fine with that

she's like, no they're not, everyone, EVERYONE has a problem with you!

I was like, WHAT? :|

lies! everyone's fine... look, I talk to artem on random topics unrelated to school, and we're fine

she's like, no, I feel sorry for you so that's why I'm telling you that even though everyone's all nice to you, everything is not fine

I'm like, what do you mean? why'd they hang out with me still even though they have a problem with me and everything's not fine!?

she's like, 'cuz we feel bad, we're the only ones that you have here, we feel bad for leaving you out all the time and stuff

and yadda yadda yadda, so on and so forth...

so I had an enjoyable convo that evening and could fall asleep until like 6 am afterwareds... lol, thanks, maria

what you need is a friend

chocolate is your friend

chocolate doesn't care who you know or who you hang out with

he just wants you

go eat some chocolate

So yeah. It was a pleasant weekend! Did I hear someone say "Backstabbing?", "Fake friendships?" Aw, but you are so right!

I do need to get out more. But not to find friends. No, to lose the "friends" I already have.

On the happier note, I got to talk to Tamara on Skype today. She was leaving to university shortly so we didn't really talk all that much, but it was still fun. I'm so glad I still have her and Rolands and Artem around me! Today he's like "I don't have a problem with you." LoL, I thought I'd jump and hug him right there on the spot! I didn't, I continued cooking, but it's really great to hear something like that after all the crap I hear.

Well, I've slept for 4 hours from 9pm-1am. And it's 3am now so I've only gained 2 extra hours of sleep. I better not let it go to less than that!

Over and out, minna!

Wow. It's a little sad but once again I will be bored on Friday night. And that's coming from a university student. University of Waterloo student!

I need to start making friends (: And given the amount of [nice] people in my class that shouldn't be a problem. I just need to find something common with them. Ask them to go to a party, or perhaps study together. I dunno. Because surprisingly my class is totally not how the people I live with! (and that's given that I live with like 6 people from my class)

So yeah, it's time to start over. Because no matter how well my current company suits me, I'm not suited for the company. Hopefully there will be more happy, cheerful and exciting (fun/ny) posts soon!